Things about me you don't know

I have the hardest time getting a sense of familiarity or friendliness with people. I often am haunted by the feeling that people look down on me or disapprove of me or dislike me. I don't know how to read people. I read in to the slightest little things. But on the other hand, then I look at the big picture and I think I must be instinctively right that people don't like me because I have so few friends and people in all different situations in my life show a marked disinterest in me. For example, in college I was a loner and even though I tried really hard to socialize, I never made any friends. The friends I did have drifted away or just didn't seem to value my friendship very much (they didn't call me very often, they didn't ask me out, they would only sometimes accept my invitations, etc.) Then when I joined a church, I tried to be involved and it was basically the same thing. I served a lot. I went to fellowship meetings, etc. But after 7 years in the same church, I only have 1 or 2 friends to speak of. And they almost never call me. I call them and make invitations but they are usually unavailable or too busy.

It could just be a symptom of the times. People are just too busy/stressed/preoccupied to place much value in other people.

But I always get this weird feeling like I rub people the wrong way. I'm just out of step with the world. It's not a spiritual thing, or that I am special and different. I think maybe I just have that personality to be alienated or out of step. My values are a lot different than most people and I think about and care about things that most people might not be interested in.

Maybe I'm just so selfish and self absorbed that people can't handle me for very long. That's a possibility. I started going to a new church and I noticed after attending for awhile that the Pastor made mention in his sermon how we should make an effort to show interest in other people and ask them about themselves. I wondered if he thinks I am that way. I do talk about myself a lot. Mainly it's because I have a hard time knowing what to ask people. When I ask people about themselves, they might say one or 2 things and then just stop talking. I get tired of feeling like I am interviewing people. I feel like if they aren't inspired to share, then I can just keep talking or say something more. Conversations are tiring. I do make an effort. But I try to entertain people, I think. Because I'll do a bit of back and forth, but then I'll tell a little funny anecdote or make a joke, or whatever. I think perhaps I try too hard. And what is the point because it's not like I'm winning over people by doing this.

I would love to be able to be silently friendly, and when I do speak, I say something very appropriate and comforting to the person. But that's just not my style. I'm not that sophisticated. I just say whatever.

My husband has told me that he thinks people don't like talking to me because they see that I am too perceptive and they feel like they are being "seen". Or maybe he means "scrutinized". I am curious about people, but maybe I look at them weird when I am talking to them. I really don't know. I should carry a hand mirror with me and whip it out and see what I look like when I am looking at other people. But that would probably weird them out more!

I just honestly don't sense very much goodwill from other people. I can honestly say that there are exceptions to the rule. There are some really warm people I know. But I don't see them very often. I should give them a call. Or send them a card and just let them know I appreciate their warmth and genuine caring. It might come across as odd because I haven't talked to them in a few months. Since I changed my church, I really haven't had a reason to talk to the few people I did appreciate. But that doesn't mean I can't reach out.

I wish people were kinder. I really do!

I was reading about "Asperger's Syndrome" recently. Maybe I have that. It's a really mild mild form of Autism that has no intellectual deficit (you might even be gifted) but you have a lot of problems socially. I am guessing that I don't have that because I was actually very coordinated as a kid. And my handwriting was pretty good. But I remember always feeling socially out of step. Looking back, I was a pretty good looking kid. There was nothing really different or wrong with my appearance. Yet I had a really hard time in school and was picked on a lot. Mainly I felt it was because I was nice to the 2 girls in school that everyone else hated. So I was astrocized because of it. But anyhow, I was reading about Asperger's Syndrome and they were talking about how young Aspie's can get social training as a part of their education. This one program in San Jose is teaching the young kids to make "mental file cards" for each of their friends, so they can remember specific things about individuals. I assume the purpose is so that they can remember to ask, "How did your dance recital go?" and "I brought a twinkie in my lunch because I know you like them, here have this." I am just assuming. I really have no idea. But I was thinking that maybe a lot of us can use the "mental file card" system with friends. I think I'll work on that!