I have the hardest time getting a sense of familiarity or friendliness with people. I often am haunted by the feeling that people look down on me or disapprove of me or dislike me. I don't know how to read people. I read in to the slightest little things. But on the other hand, then I look at the big picture and I think I must be instinctively right that people don't like me because I have so few friends and people in all different situations in my life show a marked disinterest in me. For example, in college I was a loner and even though I tried really hard to socialize, I never made any friends. The friends I did have drifted away or just didn't seem to value my friendship very much (they didn't call me very often, they didn't ask me out, they would only sometimes accept my invitations, etc.) Then when I joined a church, I tried to be involved and it was basically the same thing. I served a lot. I went to fellowship meetings, etc. But after 7 years in the same church, I only have 1 or 2 friends to speak of. And they almost never call me. I call them and make invitations but they are usually unavailable or too busy.
It could just be a symptom of the times. People are just too busy/stressed/preoccupied to place much value in other people.
But I always get this weird feeling like I rub people the wrong way. I'm just out of step with the world. It's not a spiritual thing, or that I am special and different. I think maybe I just have that personality to be alienated or out of step. My values are a lot different than most people and I think about and care about things that most people might not be interested in.
Maybe I'm just so selfish and self absorbed that people can't handle me for very long. That's a possibility. I started going to a new church and I noticed after attending for awhile that the Pastor made mention in his sermon how we should make an effort to show interest in other people and ask them about themselves. I wondered if he thinks I am that way. I do talk about myself a lot. Mainly it's because I have a hard time knowing what to ask people. When I ask people about themselves, they might say one or 2 things and then just stop talking. I get tired of feeling like I am interviewing people. I feel like if they aren't inspired to share, then I can just keep talking or say something more. Conversations are tiring. I do make an effort. But I try to entertain people, I think. Because I'll do a bit of back and forth, but then I'll tell a little funny anecdote or make a joke, or whatever. I think perhaps I try too hard. And what is the point because it's not like I'm winning over people by doing this.
I would love to be able to be silently friendly, and when I do speak, I say something very appropriate and comforting to the person. But that's just not my style. I'm not that sophisticated. I just say whatever.
My husband has told me that he thinks people don't like talking to me because they see that I am too perceptive and they feel like they are being "seen". Or maybe he means "scrutinized". I am curious about people, but maybe I look at them weird when I am talking to them. I really don't know. I should carry a hand mirror with me and whip it out and see what I look like when I am looking at other people. But that would probably weird them out more!
I just honestly don't sense very much goodwill from other people. I can honestly say that there are exceptions to the rule. There are some really warm people I know. But I don't see them very often. I should give them a call. Or send them a card and just let them know I appreciate their warmth and genuine caring. It might come across as odd because I haven't talked to them in a few months. Since I changed my church, I really haven't had a reason to talk to the few people I did appreciate. But that doesn't mean I can't reach out.
I wish people were kinder. I really do!
I was reading about "Asperger's Syndrome" recently. Maybe I have that. It's a really mild mild form of Autism that has no intellectual deficit (you might even be gifted) but you have a lot of problems socially. I am guessing that I don't have that because I was actually very coordinated as a kid. And my handwriting was pretty good. But I remember always feeling socially out of step. Looking back, I was a pretty good looking kid. There was nothing really different or wrong with my appearance. Yet I had a really hard time in school and was picked on a lot. Mainly I felt it was because I was nice to the 2 girls in school that everyone else hated. So I was astrocized because of it. But anyhow, I was reading about Asperger's Syndrome and they were talking about how young Aspie's can get social training as a part of their education. This one program in San Jose is teaching the young kids to make "mental file cards" for each of their friends, so they can remember specific things about individuals. I assume the purpose is so that they can remember to ask, "How did your dance recital go?" and "I brought a twinkie in my lunch because I know you like them, here have this." I am just assuming. I really have no idea. But I was thinking that maybe a lot of us can use the "mental file card" system with friends. I think I'll work on that!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
the dreadful seattle trip! but it was GOOD
Well, I have been home for awhile but I am getting better from a dreadful flu that I came down with shortly after arriving in Seattle. My daughter and I were sick the whole time we were there and we had to stay a week longer to get better from ear infections before flying home. It was a really scary experience to be so sick when far from home. The irony is amazing. My mom was amazed. She said that she can't remember the last time we got sick, so it is so weird we would get sick on this vacation. And it's also terrible because I can't really afford to vacation, so I literally haven't been on a trip in years. So this was my one chance to have a real vacation and my daughter and I were dreadfully sick. Sometimes things happen like that. It feels very fated, or should I say cursed! But I know we were really OK. The saddest thing for me was losing my voice because I had brought some of my favorite hymns' lyrics with me. I knew I would not be able to go to church, probably (since my friend is not a Christian), and I wanted to have my Bible, my devotional, and my favorite hymns. But I couldn't sing since my throat hurt so bad I could hardly swallow. So I just read the Bible and wrote in my paper journal.
The worst aspect was being afraid for my daughter. I didn't have a car up there and a lot of the time, I was left alone with my daughter all day. I didn't even have a phone since my friend uses her cell phone as her line. I had borrowed my mom's cell phone but since I was out of state, I couldn't use the phone or it would cost 75 cents per minute.
I had nowhere to turn except to God. And it did feel like my whole life was whittled down to just me and God. I was quite a baby about it all. Yet God was speaking to me, and I was finally able to have that perfect opportunity to talk to my friend about God. You see, all week long, I was asking God what I could say to my friend. And all I could think of doing was to be as loving and kind as possible, every single minute. Even though I was hurting and scared and severely ill. I just kept washing baby bottles for her, and cooking food for her every day, and cleaning the apartment. I tried to be useful every single day, no matter how bad I felt or how much I wanted to collapse in to a ball of quivering flesh.
Then on like the last day of the trip, when I was feeling like a useless failure for not finding any opportunity to talk to my friend about God, then suddenly my friend started asking me questions about Jesus and faith. And I just let it all shine forth. I answered each of her questions, and I made sure to explain why atonement with God is the most important matter in a human life. God is supremely wonderful...
I have no idea if she will accept Christ. It appears not. But the important thing is that someone who loves her told her all about God and what she chooses to do with it is her responsibility. Some day, she is going to die. I just hope and pray that before that day comes, she makes the most important decision she can possibly make. By Grace, we are able to make that decision. I am so glad to see that God's Grace is at work in her life, because I saw that God was working in that situation, leading her and getting her curious about Himself.
Now my latest issue is that I am super late on my period so I am worrying about being pregnant. I know that being ill can delay ovulation, therefore delaying the period. So that's probably all it is. But it's weird to be worried about yet another physical thing.
Today, most everyone I know is sick. So I am staying home, feeling lonely. I have nothing to do and my hands don't feeling like knitting or crocheting or doing anything really. So I feel like a big lump, a very lonely lump. But I know that I just need to turn away from these thoughts of my self and think of better things. I'll probably finish the dishes and get something cooking for dinner. I love cooking. It always soothes me to prep ingredients and smell something good cooking.
The worst aspect was being afraid for my daughter. I didn't have a car up there and a lot of the time, I was left alone with my daughter all day. I didn't even have a phone since my friend uses her cell phone as her line. I had borrowed my mom's cell phone but since I was out of state, I couldn't use the phone or it would cost 75 cents per minute.
I had nowhere to turn except to God. And it did feel like my whole life was whittled down to just me and God. I was quite a baby about it all. Yet God was speaking to me, and I was finally able to have that perfect opportunity to talk to my friend about God. You see, all week long, I was asking God what I could say to my friend. And all I could think of doing was to be as loving and kind as possible, every single minute. Even though I was hurting and scared and severely ill. I just kept washing baby bottles for her, and cooking food for her every day, and cleaning the apartment. I tried to be useful every single day, no matter how bad I felt or how much I wanted to collapse in to a ball of quivering flesh.
Then on like the last day of the trip, when I was feeling like a useless failure for not finding any opportunity to talk to my friend about God, then suddenly my friend started asking me questions about Jesus and faith. And I just let it all shine forth. I answered each of her questions, and I made sure to explain why atonement with God is the most important matter in a human life. God is supremely wonderful...
I have no idea if she will accept Christ. It appears not. But the important thing is that someone who loves her told her all about God and what she chooses to do with it is her responsibility. Some day, she is going to die. I just hope and pray that before that day comes, she makes the most important decision she can possibly make. By Grace, we are able to make that decision. I am so glad to see that God's Grace is at work in her life, because I saw that God was working in that situation, leading her and getting her curious about Himself.
Now my latest issue is that I am super late on my period so I am worrying about being pregnant. I know that being ill can delay ovulation, therefore delaying the period. So that's probably all it is. But it's weird to be worried about yet another physical thing.
Today, most everyone I know is sick. So I am staying home, feeling lonely. I have nothing to do and my hands don't feeling like knitting or crocheting or doing anything really. So I feel like a big lump, a very lonely lump. But I know that I just need to turn away from these thoughts of my self and think of better things. I'll probably finish the dishes and get something cooking for dinner. I love cooking. It always soothes me to prep ingredients and smell something good cooking.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Seattle here I come!
I can't believe it but a friend of mine wants to see me so bad that she is willing to pay for me and my daughter to fly up to Seattle where she lives. I am so amazed! I'm going to pay for part of the fare, because it's hideously expensive. But I was so overwhelmed by her generosity. I haven't had a vacation in a million years.
I'm trying to figure out if there is anything I want to do in Seattle. There really isn't! I can only say that there is one place I have been wanting to visit ever since I saw a t.v. program about it: Woodland Park Zoo. I saw this t.v. program that showed they have grizzly bears there. On their web site, they say they are "brown bears", and that the kodiak bear is one type of brown bear. so I'm not really sure what they have exactly. But I want to check it out. Other than that, I think we are planning to go see the local countryside. And we'll go see the first Starbucks and hopefully find someone nice enough to take our picture together without running off with my camera! But I really don't know of anything else I want to do in Seattle. I will definitely contact my cousin Ruth and see if she wants to drive down to the city and have lunch with us, or maybe she'd like to go to the Zoo or the aquarium with us. She has 2 daughters who I believe are teens now.
Mainly I just want to see my friend who I haven't seen in 3 years. She has a baby now. I'd like to help her move in to her new place and also start eating healthier. We'll cook a lot of healthy food and pack some whole grain lunches. Maybe we will go get our hair done or something girly like that. It should be fun.
I'm just grateful for the opportunity to see her. I think I need to go have a good cry. In a happy way!
I'm trying to figure out if there is anything I want to do in Seattle. There really isn't! I can only say that there is one place I have been wanting to visit ever since I saw a t.v. program about it: Woodland Park Zoo. I saw this t.v. program that showed they have grizzly bears there. On their web site, they say they are "brown bears", and that the kodiak bear is one type of brown bear. so I'm not really sure what they have exactly. But I want to check it out. Other than that, I think we are planning to go see the local countryside. And we'll go see the first Starbucks and hopefully find someone nice enough to take our picture together without running off with my camera! But I really don't know of anything else I want to do in Seattle. I will definitely contact my cousin Ruth and see if she wants to drive down to the city and have lunch with us, or maybe she'd like to go to the Zoo or the aquarium with us. She has 2 daughters who I believe are teens now.
Mainly I just want to see my friend who I haven't seen in 3 years. She has a baby now. I'd like to help her move in to her new place and also start eating healthier. We'll cook a lot of healthy food and pack some whole grain lunches. Maybe we will go get our hair done or something girly like that. It should be fun.
I'm just grateful for the opportunity to see her. I think I need to go have a good cry. In a happy way!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
October 1st To-Do List
In No Particular Order, a To-Do List
1. Clear off and clean desk
2. Clean off the top of the changing table
3. Assemble more KASSET boxes and think of what to put in them
4. Call and cancel WW monthly pass
5. Put all photos and photo albums in the new cabinets
6. Figure out how to store the purses and bags and totebags that make me insane!
7. Wash out the inside of the microwave and clean the glass plate.
8. Throw out chicken stock and wash pot
1. Clear off and clean desk
2. Clean off the top of the changing table
3. Assemble more KASSET boxes and think of what to put in them
4. Call and cancel WW monthly pass
5. Put all photos and photo albums in the new cabinets
6. Figure out how to store the purses and bags and totebags that make me insane!
7. Wash out the inside of the microwave and clean the glass plate.
8. Throw out chicken stock and wash pot
Saturday, September 27, 2008
sunshine smiles on me this day...
Exciting things are happening. I won last weeks Getting Loopy contest! Getting Loopy is an interactive online radio podcast all about crochet, by a crochet designer and all around expert in crochet, Mary Beth Temple. I listen every week now, although I don't have the free time on Monday nights to log in to the chat room while the radio show is happening live. That's where the real fun is, from what I hear. The listeners get to chat while listening to the podcast, and ask questions so Mary Beth can ask the guest. The prize I won was a free download of one of MB Temple's patterns and some sock weight yarn to make the item. I chose the Field of Flowers scarf! I'll make it for myself and nobody can take it away!
I also won a contest on ravelry's "Crochet Bouquet" group. The author of "Crochet Bouquet", Suzann Thompson, offered to send a bag of yarn scraps to the winner of a contest to come up with ideas for making stamens for flowers. I was the only person to offer an idea for the month of August, so I won by default. I thought that was very kind of her to be willing to still send me some yarn scraps. Her scraps are probably a hundred percent better than my full skeins. I look forward to seeing what comes!
Ravelry has been a lot of fun. I didn't expect to win anything, but it sure is wonderful to see people who love their craft promoting it and having fun little contests.
I also feel like I won because I found some used craft books for really cheap on Amazon. They should be arriving in the mail any day now! I'll wait to share that here. I'll have photographs of some of the best pages!
I also won a contest on ravelry's "Crochet Bouquet" group. The author of "Crochet Bouquet", Suzann Thompson, offered to send a bag of yarn scraps to the winner of a contest to come up with ideas for making stamens for flowers. I was the only person to offer an idea for the month of August, so I won by default. I thought that was very kind of her to be willing to still send me some yarn scraps. Her scraps are probably a hundred percent better than my full skeins. I look forward to seeing what comes!
Ravelry has been a lot of fun. I didn't expect to win anything, but it sure is wonderful to see people who love their craft promoting it and having fun little contests.
I also feel like I won because I found some used craft books for really cheap on Amazon. They should be arriving in the mail any day now! I'll wait to share that here. I'll have photographs of some of the best pages!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Excited about my brother's birthday!
I just heard that my brother Chris has a fever so I am hoping that he'll get better before this Sunday and that the rest of the family won't fall ill too. I am totally jazzed about the birthday gifts I got for him. Since he doesn't know this blog exists, I feel pretty safe to talk about what I got him.
1. Thunderbirds 40th Anniversary Collector's Edition Megaset (all of the episodes on 12 discs plus extras bonus features) (I'm happy to notice that I got it for $30 cheaper than it is currently listed as on Amazon!)
2. King Kong vs. Godzilla/King Kong Escapes (2 TOHO Japanese monster movies, very campy but fun)
3. Some new shirts and a pair of pants (boring but necessary stuff)
I'm not sure if they will locate the missing cake pans to make the batman cake. In that case, I might just bake something super chocolately and yummy. I'll do simple decorations in all choco frosting.
1. Thunderbirds 40th Anniversary Collector's Edition Megaset (all of the episodes on 12 discs plus extras bonus features) (I'm happy to notice that I got it for $30 cheaper than it is currently listed as on Amazon!)
2. King Kong vs. Godzilla/King Kong Escapes (2 TOHO Japanese monster movies, very campy but fun)
3. Some new shirts and a pair of pants (boring but necessary stuff)
I'm not sure if they will locate the missing cake pans to make the batman cake. In that case, I might just bake something super chocolately and yummy. I'll do simple decorations in all choco frosting.
Christmas officially starts in October for me!
I was writing a message on the frugal homemakers group (ravelry) and I got to thinking about something funny. I was talking about how wonderful my home is now, after 2 weeks of decluttering, organizing and cleaning. I am starting to get that wonderful feeling of looking forward to the holidays. And I remembered a funny episode from my life. Here is what I wrote (but I didn't actually post this there. I decided it would be better for my blog since it's personal):
"I'll keep working and maybe I'll just decorate for Christmas early, like around Halloween. I did that a couple years ago, and then the apartment manager happened to stop by in the second week of November. She was laughing and remarked about how early I decorate for Christmas (since it was before Thanksgiving, and people traditionally start decorating _after_ Thanksgiving!). I didn't have the heart to tell her that I put up the decorations on Halloween! Because I was stuck home alone and feeling lonely as the only Christian I know that wasn't observing the evil holiday. (Kinda being facetious here, ok! Just a joke.)"
I think I'll make this an annual tradition since we never have Thanksgiving dinner at my house. I suppose that if I were entertaining people in my home for Thanksgiving, I wouldn't want to spoil things for them by having the green and red stuff out. But I simply ADORE Christmastime. And I remember really enjoying getting in the spirit really early. I think I'll do that again since I always end up alone on Halloween. It seems like ever since I got married, my husband has always worked October 31st. I used to go over my parents' house. There is a chance I might actually do something this year since Halloween is on a Friday this year. I thought about maybe taking my daughter over to my brother and sister-in-law's house since they live in a really nice old fashioned neighborhood in Burbank where the kids still trick or treat. In fact, someone does a haunted house across the street, so I think things are pretty busy over there on Halloween night. But let's just put it this way: I'll have to invite myself! Which I am not shy about doing. But I just haven't gotten around to it yet. And a part of me says, no...just stay home and decorate for Christmas. Lonely little Christian lady...stay home and decks the halls...
"I'll keep working and maybe I'll just decorate for Christmas early, like around Halloween. I did that a couple years ago, and then the apartment manager happened to stop by in the second week of November. She was laughing and remarked about how early I decorate for Christmas (since it was before Thanksgiving, and people traditionally start decorating _after_ Thanksgiving!). I didn't have the heart to tell her that I put up the decorations on Halloween! Because I was stuck home alone and feeling lonely as the only Christian I know that wasn't observing the evil holiday. (Kinda being facetious here, ok! Just a joke.)"
I think I'll make this an annual tradition since we never have Thanksgiving dinner at my house. I suppose that if I were entertaining people in my home for Thanksgiving, I wouldn't want to spoil things for them by having the green and red stuff out. But I simply ADORE Christmastime. And I remember really enjoying getting in the spirit really early. I think I'll do that again since I always end up alone on Halloween. It seems like ever since I got married, my husband has always worked October 31st. I used to go over my parents' house. There is a chance I might actually do something this year since Halloween is on a Friday this year. I thought about maybe taking my daughter over to my brother and sister-in-law's house since they live in a really nice old fashioned neighborhood in Burbank where the kids still trick or treat. In fact, someone does a haunted house across the street, so I think things are pretty busy over there on Halloween night. But let's just put it this way: I'll have to invite myself! Which I am not shy about doing. But I just haven't gotten around to it yet. And a part of me says, no...just stay home and decorate for Christmas. Lonely little Christian lady...stay home and decks the halls...
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